October 14th, 2008
It's funny how I started this site with the intention of reviewing movies after I watch them, but I haven't actually watched a movie from beginning to end since then. Oops! I did catch the last half hour of Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette last night, though, and I can tell you that it's a pretty fucking stupid movie. I'm not going to give a full review to a movie I've only seen half an hour of, so here's a mini review for now:
Marie Antoinette chronicles the life of, woah, Marie Antoinette (Kirsten Dunst), the Queen of France during the reign of Louis XVI (Jason Schwartzmann). Rather than make a normal biopic, though, Coppola takes a lot of liberties to make it relevant to modern teenagers. Why? I don't fucking know, but it makes for one hell of a weird and inconsistent movie. Here we have a girl who lived in the 1700s, talking and acting like a modern teenage girl, doing her nails with her girlfriends while making puns about her "royal bush" or some shit, and being a lot hotter than any painting of the real Antoinette ever made her seem. Apparently she even owns a pair of Converse (Vintage 1704? High-five if you got that joke; also, fuck I, Robot), but I didn't actually see that scene.
I understand what Coppola is trying to do here, but it comes off as really goofy and weird. How are modern girls supposed to identify with Antoinette while she's wearing these big poofy dresses and, you know, being the Queen of France in the 1700s? Maybe there's a link I'm missing here because I'm a guy, or maybe it doesn't seem as ridiculous in the context of the rest of the movie, but I think modern girls are going to have trouble giving a shit. Or maybe not; a girl once called me "emotionally numb" for not giving a shit about anything that happened in A Series of Unfortunate Events.
To her credit, though, Coppola shoots a beautiful movie, and the last fifteen minutes or so are incredible. Antoinette, gaining a new found sense of courage and maturity, and her family sit alone in their dark and empty mansion as hundreds of French revolutionaries gather outside to overthrow her and Louis XVI. You can sense the impending doom, and, if only for this scene, you can sympathize with Antoinette. It's a very well done scene, and I'll be damned if I wasn't pretty fucking scared.
But if the rest of the movie is anything like the first fifteen minutes of the half hour I watched, then you can rest assured that it's pretty un-fucking-bearable. But then again, what the hell do I know? I give the last fifteen minutes a 4/5, and the rest of the movie, uh, probably a 2/5. Don't take that to heart, though.
Don't let this review be a reflection of what the actual reviews will be like! It was a sloppy, hastily written review based on half an hour of a two hour movie. I don't really even know why I put it up, since nobody reads this site anyway, but whatever! Fuck you! I do what I want!
October 8th, 2008
There's no point in writing this update because nobody reads this site, but sometimes it's fun to pretend like they do. Call me delusional, but I like to think that I get a good 100 to 200 page views a minute. Actually, I do, but that's because I sit at my computer and click "refresh" over and over until I feel validated. That way, when my roommates refuse to watch Blue Velvet just because I was the one who recommended it, I can go back to my computer and find comfort in the fact that 100 to 200 people a minute value my opinion. Even if it's really only me.
Anyway, Tripod sucks and keeps locking my account because of some glitch, even though it tells you that I "violated the terms of service." That's bullshit, because try as I might, I can't find any secret links to porn on this site. So it's a glitch, and they claim to have fixed it (twice), but I bet it's gonna happen again. Just you wait and see.
Anyway, that's why I haven't actually bothered writing any reviews or anything. I guess it would have made sense to have written some reviews to put up when the site came back, but you know what? Fuck that, this is my site, and I do things my way. Man it feels good to be in charge for once.
P.S.: My roommates keep calling this a blog. Fuck them, it's not a blog, even though everything about it would have you think otherwise.
October 5th, 2008
First of all, Tripod has a ridiculous amount of advertisements at the top and bottom of every single page, and for that I am sorry. But I don't have a job and I'm hungry, and I have to support other habits that I'd rather not discuss here, so for now I can only use a free hosting service. I hate it just as much as you do (assuming there even is a "you"), but if the ads are really bothering you that much, you might as well go away. They're everywhere, like the ants in my room after having left a half-eaten can of cat food on the floor for a week. No, I don't have a cat.
Ok, now that nobody's reading this, let me tell myself what this site is. It's a movie review site, with a twist: I review whatever movie I feel like reviewing, whenever I feel like reviewing it. So, if I feel like reviewing Barton Fink, god dammit, I'm going to review it. Likewise, if I actually see a movie at a real movie theater, I'll review that, too. There's no system or order to it; if I happen to see a movie, I'll share my opinion, and that's about it. Don't expect to see a review of Eagle Eye until I happen to catch it on HBO. Or ever, actually. That movie looks awful.
Also, in the highly unlikely event that this website actually becomes popular, feel free to request a review of a certain movie. If I've seen it or want to see it, I might write about it, depending on how bored I am.
I'm starting this site for two reasons: because my room mates are assholes who don't value my opinion, and because I'm an asshole who thinks his opinions should be valued. Both are probably untrue, but it's easier to hate yourself when you think that nobody cares what you have to say. Girls love the self-loathing type. Trust me, I once told a girl at a party that I hated everything about myself, and before I knew it, her pants were off. Or maybe it was my pants? Whatever, the point is that the system works, especially when you're drunk.
There's nothing on the site at the moment, but that's ok because nobody's reading this right now. Right now I'm still figuring out how to format everything. It took me an hour just to figure out how to get a margin on either side of the page. So there probably won't be any reviews for a while. But that's ok, because at least I started working on the site at all. In the meantime, if you are seriously on this website right now and need something to read, go to the about me section, I guess. After that, find something else to do. I'm sure there are a lot of other half-finished Tripod websites that you could waste your boring life on.